Paula H. Bloom <pauli@netmeister.org>
Thinking about moving in together? Unsure of what to expect? Here are some things you should consider before taking the plunge...
Nowadays, more and more couples are putting off marriage until much later in life, and many are deciding to live together. But before you jump into this living situation head-first, there are three issues you need to ponder before you start looking through the Real Estate section:
1. The reasons you want to live together. The first and most important question you should put to yourself is very basic: Why are you moving in together? Does it seem like the most logical next step in your relationship? Or does your roommate refuse to put up with your boyfriend's smelly socks lying around the livingroom anymore? Perhaps it has to do with financial constraints?
I live in New York City, where monetary necessity is probably the most common reason unmarried couples decide to share an apartment. This is very understandable, since increasingly astronomical rent prices make it impossible at times for each partner to live separately. Most young people need roommates to share the costs of living, and if you are spending most of your time with your partner, it seems logical to live together.
While this seems a perfectly legitimate reason, if it is the only one then there are possible problems. A friend of mine, for instance, believes that if at all possible, a couple should not live together unless they are firmly committed for the long term (i.e. married) or are formally engaged. Her reasoning is that while it may be fun at first, living together is not easy and requires compromise and flexibility from both people. If one partner does not have an attitude of commitment to work out any problems which might arise, or to accept the other's faults, then a painful breakup is inevitable. She points out that living together usually involves joint purchases, and if the relationship ends, dividing the belongings is as difficult as in a divorce. Her conclusion: why risk having to endure the painful process of divorce, when you haven't enjoyed the rewards of marriage?
Others believe that a committed relationship can be just as legitimate as a marriage. Some people don't feel the need to go through the formal process, and view marriage as no more than a State-sanctioned piece of paper. And what of gay couples who are not legally permitted to marry? As long as both partners are mature adults, financially independent, acknowledge its seriousness, and are committed, many think this kind of living situation can work just fine.
2. Your compatibility. How compatible are you really? Love can blind your objectivity when it comes to evaluating your ability to make a life together. Ask yourself the following question: are you very familiar with your partner's daily habits? This includes personal grooming habits, eating, sleeping, cleaning habits, and daily schedule. Obviously, until you actually live together you can't really know everything about your partner. However, you should be slightly clued in. Before signing any leases, you should take note of the little things your partner does, because your differences won't suddenly vanish once you're living under the same roof - they will only become more evident.
For example, do you enjoy eating the same kinds of foods? Are you or your partner open to trying different things? Do you observe different traditions? Do your schedules conflict? Is one of you a student or freelancer, the other a professional with a 9-5 routine? Do you enjoy going out frequently at night, while the other prefers staying home and renting movies? Social preferences are crucial when it comes to long-term compatibility.
These issues may not seem that meaningful when you live separately, but they will become very important once you reside in the same house.
3. Your inner voice. We all have one. Listen to it. The little voice in the back of your head saying "I'm not sure this is right for me" may be expressing an unwelcome truth you'd prefer not to acknowledge. However, if you don't listen to it now, then you'll have to later, when it's much more difficult to change your situation. If there is any part of you that feels reluctant, unsure, doubtful, then DON'T DO IT. That voice is wiser than all of your friends and family combined, any expert in the field, or any article on a website. Only you can truly know what is best for your happiness, and no amount of convenience or financial ease is worth risking that.