Signs of Triviality

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If Programming Languages Were Futurama Characters

May 9th, 2022

Good news, everyone! Coming to you live from Omicron Persei 8, in Hypno-Vision, and sponsored by Bachelor Chow... What if programming languages were Futurama characters?


Philip J. Fry is... Perl

Fry

A bit goofy, but optimistic and well-meaning. Seems like it's been frozen for 1000 years, but still delivers. Kind, forgiving, but not always quite so bright. Accidentally became it's own grandfather (via autovivification). Good friends with Bender.

print reverse(split(/!?/,join(" ",map{tr/N-ZA-Mn-za-m/A-Za-z/;$_;}
@{["!bq","V","yyn","lyynpvfno","fv","tavgfvkr","ghO"]})))."!\n";

Leela

Turanga Leela is... Go

Strong-willed, powerful, will get you through whatever trouble you're in. Makes all the rules, projecting self-confidence, but is constantly seeking peer confirmation. Actually a sewer mutant; lacks depth perception.

s1:="Rm9yIGEgc3BsaXQgc2Vjb25kLCBteSBjb21tb24gc2"
s2:="Vuc2Ugd2FzIG92ZXJ3aGVsbWVkIGJ5IHBpdHkuCg=="
d,_:=base64.StdEncoding.DecodeString(s1+s2)
fmt.Printf("%q", d)

Bender Bending Rodríguez is... Shell

Bender

Lacks a backup unit, but able to self-assemble. Surprisingly versatile, but does not give a single fuck. Will take you to the suicide booth and steal your money. Needs alcohol to run, and largely avoids doing any real work, but can be used to bend anything. Good friends with Fry.

printf "$(echo '694265746q20207968736r692079656q6174206p73612173000n'|
tr '[n-zN-Z]' '[a-mA-M]'|sed 's@\(..\)\(..\)@\\x\2\\x\1@g')"

Prof. Farnsworth

Hubert J. Farnsworth is... C

Has been around for a long time, happy to risk the crew to get the job done. Alternates between brilliance and amoral senility, between being friendly and spiteful; outcomes often defy known laws of physics. Has a collection of doomsday devices. Not memory safe.

int main(){uint64_t f=0x0a2e65726966206e;uint64_t e=0x6f20736920656d6f;
uint64_t d=0x68207327656e6f65;uint64_t c=0x6d6f532021656e6f;
uint64_t b=0x7972657665202c73;uint64_t a=0x77656e20646f6f47;
write(1,&a,0x30);}

Amy Wong is... Ruby

Amy Wong

Object-oriented, cute, really popular, and a bit naive. Had a bit of Fry grafted onto herself for a while. Also had a thing with Bender. And Zapp. Easy going, but doesn't do well in difficult situations, falls over easily.

puts "@aq`b`,Ctg".split("").map(&:succ)*''

Hermes Conrad

Hermes Conrad is... Rust

Superficially you'd expect him to be relaxed, fun, but under the surface awaits a workaholic bureaucrat, always technically correct (the best kind of correct) at all cost. Does not permit dangling pointers and remains in charge of all resource management.

fn main() {
    // Obfuscation is inefficient and incorrect.
    println!("Hello World!");
}

Dr. Zoidberg is... PHP

Dr. Zoidberg

Claims to be an expert in many things without actually having a background in any of them, like human anatomy, reasonable typing, or object injection. Desperate for friendship and attention, exhibits many behaviors commonly considered as appalling. Somehow still part of the whole adventure, as managers wonder: "Why not Zoidberg?"



Zapp Brannagan

Zapp Brannagan is... Java

The pompous, flashy, egotistical leader of a giant, complex war machine, happily willing to sacrifice your time and efforts to overwhelm your opponent with complexity. Brute force and arrogant swagger provide an aura of being a great strategic leader. Nobody ever got fired for hiring Zapp, regardless of the outcome.

public class HelloWorld {
    private static HelloWorld instance;
    public static void main(String[] args){
        instantiateHelloWorldMainClassAndRun();
    }
    public static void instantiateHelloWorldMainClassAndRun(){
    	instance = new HelloWorld();
    }
    public HelloWorld(){
    	HelloWorldFactory factory = HelloWorldFactory.getInstance();
// >100 more lines here

Kif Kroker is... JavaScript

Kif Kroker

Timid, bashful, easy to exploit. All sorts of weird, but generally well meaning and unexpectedly competent. Can't shed loyalty to and is often left to clean up after Zapp. Lacks any internal structure; has a camouflage reflex and a number of other surprising capabilities, but just... doesn't seem very appealing.

alert("*Sigh* - no, sir, 'undefined' is not a function.");

Mom

Mom is... C++

Dominates the industry while maintaining a public image of benevolence; in reality ruthless, arrogant, ill-tempered, and megalomaniacal. Has been around for a while. You do not want to work with Mom, but don't really get a choice here. Machiavellian. Has a romantic history with Hubert J. Farnsworth.

int main(){std::cout<<"\x4E""o\167 \x63""o\156q\x75""e\162 \x45"
"a\162t\x68"" \171o\x75"" \142a\x73""t\141r\x64""s\041\x0A";};

Lrrr is... Python

Lrrr

Unambitious, yet powerful. Trivially defeats Zapp. Can easily conquer planets, but doesn't really feel like it most of the time. Gets along surprisingly well with Fry and Leela, but also may try to eat them.

getattr(
    __import__(True.__class__.__name__[1] + [].__class__.__name__[2]),
    ().__class__.__eq__.__class__.__name__[:2] +
    ().__iter__().__class__.__name__[5:8]
)(
    1, (lambda _, __: _(_, __))(
        lambda _, __: chr(__ % 256) + _(_, __ // 256) if __ else "",
        21746987455449264920344448008875897186846275838096221439759236645737234676590021752118335678478669
    )
)

Obfuscating 'Hello World'


Scruffy

Scruffy is... AWK

Everybody forgets about him, but he's there, doing what he's always done. Secretly in love with a robotic wash bucket.

echo "01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100101 01101100
01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101
00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00101110" |
awk 'func b(i,t,a,c){a=1;for(c=length(i);c>0;c--){
t+=substr(i,c,1)=="1"?a:0;a*=2}return t};{split($0,a," ");
for(i=1;i<length(a)+1;i++){h[i]=b(a[i]);printf"%c",h[i];}}'

These are the main characters. What about the others, like Morbo, Calculon, the Donbot, Clamps, or Barbados Slim? Who would be Lisp, Swift, Scala, Lua, or Haskell? Well, you can always swap them as you see fit using (the mathematically proven) Ken Keeler's Theorem. And then you get to pick your favorite, so long as it's Hypnotoad. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!

Futurama main characters

May 9th, 2022


See also:


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